When solving problems makes it worse…

Sometimes you feel something and think: 

“I need a drink.” or

“I can’t talk to that person.” or

“There’s no way I can exercise today”… 

The question is - what do you do after the thought? 

Your mind makes meaning of a feeling. And that’s fine… The problem is when we get hooked by that meaning — believe it to be true — and then follow the commands of that thought — To the detriment of our values and integrity. 

The mind is a problem solving entity. That’s its job. When something uncomfortable arises, the mind recognizes the feeling as a problem and jumps into action. 

“I need a drink” is one solution ascribed to a feeling because in the past that action made the feeling go away. The mind has developed a network of cause and effect and then a rule for behavior. 

The trouble here is our minds often get it wrong. 

Correlation does not always equal causation. 

And tying a feeling to automatic behavior can often lead us away from the lives we want to live:

Relying on substances, avoiding difficult situations, neglecting the regular steps towards our goals. 

When our problem solving minds get too busy trying to control how we feel, we end up creating rigid rules limiting our options for how we can respond — it’s a form of psychological inflexibility — which leads to ineffectual behavior, getting stuck, and moving away from a larger, more meaningful life. 

One clue to notice if we’re stuck in non-functional patterns is in the words of the thoughts: 

“Need” “can’t” “Have to” “no way” 

All or nothing thinking is often a signal that it’s time to find a way to get out of the cage of that network. 

There’s many ways to develop the skills of psychological flexibility.

Here’s one suggestion: Instead of trying to control the feeling and make it go away, what if we  interrupted what the feeling means to us by slowing down, and leaning into the feeling through observing its effect on the body. 

The other day, walking through the airport, I had a stressful feeling followed by the thought:  

“I need a drink.” 

And in the past, I may have looked for a bar nearest my gate and had a couple beers. 

In some sense — No big deal. And I could come up with a hundred mind-reasons for that behavior. 

But I was committed to being kinder, healthier and more in integrity with myself. I had previously set the intention to stay totally sober for a period of time as part of a cleanse. 

So, I slowed down. I noticed the thought. And then instead of trying to make the feeling go away, I asked how did that feeling really show up in my body? I noticed a sense of pressure in my head, and some clenching in my throat and chest. 

Surprisingly, as I observed the literal body sensations, and described them to myself, the meaning I ascribed to them — “I need a drink” — seemed to disappear. 

This technique is called “urge surfing” - it develops the ability to ride the waves of feelings without being carried off by habitual behaviors.

As I walked through the terminal, I kept observing my mind offering thoughts such as:

“What’s the big deal? A beer wouldn’t hurt, everyone gets a free pass at the airport.” Etc. 

But coming back to observing the actual physical sensations kept me from getting hooked and believing the thoughts or following through on their suggestions. 

Instead, I was flexible enough — in mind — to choose to stretch my body, do some mobility work,  and walk a couple laps around the terminal — which were definitely more meaningful and helpful activities for my health and body before sitting in an airplane for multiple hours. 

What rigid rules does your mind apply to try to control your feelings? 

Try observing in nuanced detail - “what am I specifically experiencing in my body right now?” 

Notice if the pressure to react softens. Then, see if other possibilities for more effectual action toward what’s meaningful start to emerge. 

And if you’d like some guidance on breaking out of the old patterns, learning a better way to relate to the mind, and creating new healthier habits, consider booking a free Alignment Wayfinding Session!
We’ll discuss where you are and what you’re struggling with as well as some possible next steps. If I think we’d be a good fit for working together, I’ll let you know and you can ask me any questions you have about my programs. Likewise, if I feel you’d be better served elsewhere, I’ll let you know that as well and would be happy to offer some suggestions.

All the best,

Patrick