What Your Bad Habits Are Actually Trying to Tell You
I live with the tension of wanting to do better and falling back into the same “bad habits”. Sound familiar?
I get sucked into social media scrolling, reach for the greasy fries instead of the salad, skip workouts, put off important tasks until tomorrow — and more.
In the past, I thought the answer was MORE vigilance, MORE discipline, better planning, better structure.
But now I know better.
Struggling to "do better" is often the voice of an inner critic reinforcing the belief that "I'm not enough." Listening to that voice almost never helps — the message will always be the same, no matter how good you get.
If I don't first seek to understand what function a habit serves, then all the discipline and planning will only create a larger pendulum swing — white-knuckling toward the behaviors I want, then crashing back into the ones I was trying to stop.
So what actually works?
Several psychological frameworks — Internal Family Systems, Acceptance Commitment Therapy, and Gabor Maté's Compassionate Inquiry — all point in the same direction for successful behavior change.
Start with compassion
Practice speaking to yourself kindly. Think about the part of you that indulges in the behavior and talk to it like you would talk to a close friend. This step alone creates enough space to make a different choice next time.
Get curious
Look at the habit and get curious about what function it serves. We often beat ourselves up over the negative consequences — but with a little curiosity, we can gain perspective on what needs are actually being met.
Our habits take many forms: scrolling, TV, alcohol, junk food, procrastination, sleeping in, or even too much exercise. But the needs underneath are often simple and universal: relief from stress, easing pain, rest, comfort.
Acknowledge your own intelligence
This goes back to compassion. Look at the needs being met and notice there's nothing wrong with them. Congratulate the part of you that was smart enough to find a way to get what it needed.
Acknowledge the costs
Now, kindly bring in the awareness that the long-term costs of the habit may be outweighing the short-term gains. Get clear on why you actually want to change.
Notice what arises
This step is often overlooked and is so tempting to skip.
Habits serve a function of meeting some need. But very often they are serving a dual purpose of keeping you from feeling something. The moment you threaten to take the habit away (even if you do so very kindly) that part of you may react as if it’s in danger.
Think of a child throwing a tantrum. To an adult it looks immature, but in the child's mind, the reaction is completely proportionate to what feels like a threat to survival. Our inner parts work the same way.
When you decide to stop doing what met a very real need, notice what feelings arise. How do you react to them? Try not to fix them or make them go away — that may have been the purpose of the habit in the first place. Instead, see if you can simply acknowledge, name, and sit with whatever comes up.
Find another way to meet those needs
Reassure yourself that you will get your needs met. Now is the time to find other ways with longer-term benefits rather than just short-term relief.
Note: this is not yet the moment to launch a new behavior. If your habit is junk food, don't put yourself on the perfect diet right now. First, recognize the need for sweetness, pleasure, stress relief and explore how else it might be met.
And don't try to convince yourself that a salad is just as satisfying as those fries. You won't believe it, and lying to yourself isn't sustainable. Really try to find something that fully meets the need.
Then start a new habit
Once the part of you that relied on the old habit begins to feel safe, you can start implementing something new — something that brings longer-term health and happiness.
Here's the whole process distilled:
Start with compassion for yourself
Get curious about what needs are being met
Acknowledge your intelligence and ingenuity
Acknowledge the negative costs
Notice, with compassion, what feelings and sensations arise
Find another way to meet those needs
Then start a new habit
I'm seeing real shifts in my own habits using this process — and I hope it's useful for you too.
If you'd like some help working through it, I'd love to talk.
Let's dream bigger,
Patrick