I’m not special…Or…
Yes, we’re special, and yet we’re not…
Sometimes, I post on social media or write emails about adventures and achievements I’ve done - often attempting at personal insights that came from those activities.
And whether it’s a barefoot hike, climbing trees, running, cold plunging or skiing, I will sometimes get feedback that implies I’m special.
“Wow, what an achievement!” “I could never do that!” “You’re so… athletic, talented, or crazy”
… or some version of that message that implies that I somehow have an ability or talent that others do not.
And If the reason I posted or wrote was to get approval, then I may feel validated in that goal.
However, when I write or post, I am attempting to do something else.
My intention in sharing is more to demonstrate and live by example so as to say - Look, if I can do this, then you can too!
Or at the very least I hope to inspire others to pursue what makes them move pain free and to enthusiastically dive into the experiences and challenges that lead to a fuller life.
And it has me thinking about this topic of “being special.”
In the psychological literature of Acceptance Commitment therapy, specialness is often a misguided attempt at finding belonging. There’s possibly an underlying narrative that says “If I’m special enough, then I’ll be accepted.” - whether that’s into a relationship, family, group, or community.” But there’s a shadow side to specialness too - which seems to say, if I’m special that means others are not. It creates a hierarchy that assumes a better than/ worse than value in order to bolster someone’s self-esteem.
Thinking I’m special would actually be a way to narrow my life experience and get stuck in a form of psychological dysfunction - being confined to a rigid concept of self and rigid ways of thinking.
Here’s a summary of some of my thoughts on this:
If I believe I’m special, then I’m an outsider - and alone.
If I’m not special, then I’m on an equal status as everyone. We’re in it together.
As a coach, if I’m special, then why would anyone want to work with me? I wouldn’t be relatable and what I do couldn’t be repeatable. I’m just an anomaly!
If I’m not special, then that means whatever I can do, you can do as well.
Yes, we’re all special and have a unique genius.
But we’re also not special in that we are all one in our humanness and we can all work together to make a better world.
If I’m special, then I either feel exempt from responsibility or I assume too much responsibility for the world,
If I’m not special, then I think I have more responsibility to myself and to the world to engage, share, and love and make the best of life.
When you see images or hear stories of people doing amazing things - surfing that wave, skiing down a couloir, climbing that rock face, or maybe making a delicious healthy dinner, maybe instead of keeping their experience separate from you, maybe you can find something that resonates inside of yourself.
Here’s what I’m going to attempt in this next week whenever I see or hear about people doing cool things:
Start with these questions:
what do I imagine they are feeling while doing or having acheived that thing?
Assuming we all start at the same level of talent and ability: What do I imagine they had to do in order to do/achieve that thing?
(Of course I recognize some people really do have advantages or disadvantages - but I’m just using this question as an imaginative prompt for self-inquiry and empowerment.)What, in my own life, can I imagine would bring about that same feeling that I identified in that other person?
What would I have to do in order to achieve that thing?
Can I find that feeling right now?
What if we were not seeking validation or specialness, but rather we were all hoping to inspire each other to lead our best lives, by being a living example?